Sleep

When I go to bed, I start by laying on my left side, slightly curled, knees drawn slightly less than a right angle. A timer starts in my head. My breathing slows, my heart rate slows, I start to relax. The timer inside goes off. Just as I'm on the edge of sleep, I roll to the other side, lay on my right side, same position or sometimes pinning my shoulder and arm under my torso and then like magic, I fall asleep.

I was a teenager, and depressed, stressed and unhappy. My sleep was struggling along with everything else in my adolescence. One night while laying awake, I happened to notice this pattern: left side, pause, right side, sleep. Next evening, I put it to the test and sure enough, by the time I rolled onto my right side, I was sleeping like a lamb. And it's held for the many years since as a "formula" to get me to sleep.

Does my body just associate that set of movements and positions with sleep? After all, when you read about treatments for insomnia, it often stresses the importance of patterns and muscle memory.

What started this? When I noticed it the first time, it felt as if it was a long-established pattern that I was just tuning into but with many things like this, perhaps it was just my brain creating order by assuring me it was a pattern. (Oh, how our brains LOVE patterns. Pattern recognition is one of the most primal things in our brains to contribute to our success as a species. Sleep hygiene is probably not particularly high on the list of what pattern recognition is useful for, but as we know, it bleeds into all aspects of life.)

When I started co-sleeping with boyfriends, this pattern became more of an issue. Right side sleeping partners meant that we were face-to-face in Stage 1. I don't like being face-to-face because I know full well the dragon-breath that sleep creates in me and I'd wish it upon no one, especially not lovers. It also prohibits cuddling with right-side sleepers. Or, as I remind right-side-sleeper-boyfriends - only until Phase 2. Phase 2 is the best for cuddling as I'm sleepy and warm and being folded into my lover's arms just as I'm drifting off is a feeling I wish I could carry through waking times.