Body Image

Here it comes, the post I've been needing to write.

Body Image.

It really pretty much sucks.

I used to be overweight. My BMI actually put me in "Obese Type 1". Over the course of 5 years or so, I began eating better. I took up running, completing a Couch-to-5k program followed by a few 5ks and a stint at half marathon training. Point is, my lifestyle changed hugely. My body changed hugely. I lost a total of almost 75 lbs over those years and lost 8 dress sizes.

I'd always been heavy. When I hit my heaviest, it was just the continuation of size that started in elementary school. Puberty was awful - I always felt monstrously fat and unattractive. I knew my body was nothing like the idea of "attractive". I wore clothes that didn't fit me in an attempt to hide my shape and size. I was miserable with my physical form.

I dreamed when I was bigger of being the size I am now. In a lot of ways, I expected that losing weight, becoming thin would solve problems in my life. I'd finally be happy with how clothes look on me, I could wear whatever I wanted. I could go to things where bathing suits were the dress code without feeling exposed.

Guess what folks? All those insecurities didn't go away with my changes in size and shape, they just re-arranged themselves. I used to grimace at my arm jiggle, now I look in the mirror and wonder if they're too twiggish. I've completely lost my breast mass - 2 cup sizes down from what I was. I hate the way my chest looks now. I've got extra skin on my tummy that shifts unattractively when I lean forward. And you know what? I still can't wear whatever I want. I bought a bikini online - the first bikini I've owned since I was probably 7 years old and it looked. awful. AWFUL. Objectively awful. Even Brian, my dearest love of my life went "Yeaaaah, no."

I blame the media in a lot of ways, I definitely do. The image of the ideal female body is curvy in a particular set of places in addition to having an exceptionally low body fat. The breasts are large for the frame. The hips, thighs, and rear are shapely even though the frame is quite thin. This isn't possible for most people but society has us convinced that that's the only form that beauty takes.

My point in writing this is just to reiterate that self-love is independent of size. You may feel fat and you may think like I did that just that last 15, 20, 100 lbs is all it would take then you'd love your body. It isn't true. You can love your body at any size, just as you can hate your body at any size. If you hate your large body, you will find things in your thin body to hate.

I don't know what the answer to this is. I don't know a magic trick to love yourself. Be gentle, I think. Be kind. Be accepting of its limitations. Embrace its uniquenesses. (I made that word up, deal with it.) Focus selectively on the positive. And DO take care of yourself. DO treat your body like it's your most prized possession because it sure as heck should be.